without realising it,i had been back to penang for 5 days now. i do admit,the first few days itself wasn't as excited as i expected it would be.going through all the strings score for the concert almost send me off the wall (it's hard to understand the score not to mention the idea of playing with it.)

the feeling that i felt on the first day itself,i guess i was never good at handling that kind of feeling.throughout the whole practise,i practically feel like an 'extra' or maybe sum sort of useless stuff since i cant follow or play with the tempo.

and so,i ended up with that kind of situation for a few days.it was hard to come up with a decision; to stay and continue in string section but at the cost of feeling unhappy and stress up or leaving string section and go to percuassion section but at the cost of making fatin feel disapointed. i didn't know what i want to begin with and thus,coming up with a decision was indeed a tough task for me.

i have like almost 2 weeks to go.and even though i'm now in percuassion section, even though i do look happy, but deep inside,i'm well aware that something is missing.ha ha.in fact,i have been feeling like that for quite some time.i thought music might be able to guide me in finding it and thus,i took the path i'm taking now.whether it's a right choice or not,well, surely i wont know until a bit later.but i do hope i wont regret it.

i love music,yes i do.but will music be able to help me find the missing peices??with so many dilemma,will i be able to make the right choice?

still a long way to go i guess

there were times when wish we could be just like other normal families.i wish i could but the true is i cant.

i cant seems to get along with my family nowadays.the gap between us seems wider and wider each day to the point that the bond that held us together is starting to bleak.yes,i admit,i am at fault at certain thing.but what right do they have to blame in on me when they never bother to know what i really need?it is indeed truth that every child need their parents,but they need more than figures to be their parents.in most of the time,what they really need is parents who were able to listen to them and to know what they really need.

indeed,parents-children relationship is like any other relationship.it's a two way relationship.things will not work if only one side take the effort to mend everything.and parents themselves must realised that like any other human,their children is not perfect.at least,give them chances to admend thing and improve themselves when they made mistakes.

i wish my parents realise this facts too.but sad enough,i was told that i wasn't allow to make any mistakes and i don't have the right to have feeling like anger or sorrow.sometimes,i doubt my existance at home.as a university student studying somewhere far from home,going home is supposed to be something excited.as for me,i was wondering why i didn't have that kind of feeling.i didn't feel homey when i was at home.things change so much,so do they that make me doubt 'am i the one that change?' or 'am i the one who refused to accept it?'

had a quarrel with dad today over what i consider trivial matter.but i just didn't know why,i couldn't control my temper.i know dad was worried at me and that he was being protective.but sometimes,it's to a point where i feel like i was being kept in a cage.dad and mum,afterall, failed to realise what i need and to be frank,i cant help but keep on feeling dissapointed even though i long realised it.

quarreling with dad makes me feel guilty,angry and dissapointed.guilty for quarreling with him.angry because thing is always like this every time i want to go some place.and dissapointed because dad always refused to listen and realise my needs.

maybe,as a daughter,i should understand him.it's not that i didn't tried.i tried hard enough but what's the point of just me trying when i didn't know whether he take the effort or not??did they ever know all those dissatisfaction,dissapointment and anger they bring to me??is it so hard to listen to what i have to say at least for one without forcing their thoughts on me??is it so hard to accept me for who i am and not what they want me to be??

dad,mum,if u ever read this,most probably u will be really dissapointed because your useless daughter, me, failed to understand you.but think for a moment.have you ever treat me the same as that bastard idiotic brother???do you know that up till now,i still cant forget and let go the scar and wound that i had to undergo when you abandon me for that cheap bastard??

i tried my best to be the person you want me to be but i cant.simply because,i'm who i am and if u can accept that cheap bastard for who he is,why cant you accept me for who i am??am i asking too much for that??